Sorry and Regret

When you are truly sorry you can seek and be granted forgiveness from another. When you have regret you are burdened with forgiving yourself.

Every life is filled with plenty of instances that create the feeling of being sorry and the need to be forgiven. An apology is an admission of a transgression in the past and an implied promise in the future. The heart-felt apology creates a contract between the penitent and the victim. The guilty party is exchanging admission of wrong doing and the promise of better future behavior for the forgiveness of the person wronged. The basis of any sound apology is the element of “being sorry”. To be truly sorry requires future effort to avoid recidivism, it is not the creation of a clean slate to be sullied once again by the same misdeed. In most circumstances, because the guilty party can deal directly with the person they have hurt there are many factors that can be considered in the brokering of forgiveness. In many cases there is history and friendship that mitigates the wrong and makes it easy for another to forgive. However, many use the word “sorry” as a self-cleansing moment from which they free themselves of guilt. Shame and rationalization can change the admission of guilt and motivation for improvement into the description of an event and a repetition of failure. Over time the inability to accept culpability and implement change can turn a series of meaningless apologies into inevitable regret. 

Regret is heightened state of sorrow which in most cases cannot be rectified or forgiven by another.  It is a burden which must be dealt with internally and without the saving grace of another’s intervention. In many cases the sources of regret are the promises implied yet unfulfilled in the “sorrys” of the past. Because there is no chance of discussion or absolution from another, regret seems to have limitless potential to live on in one’s consciousness. It has the potential to become greater over time because there is no source by which to seek absolution other than oneself. However, like the mirror in the fun house that distorts the image in front of it, regret can morph out of context with actual events. Guilt and a false sense of unilateral responsibility can produce disproportionate regret. It is therefore important to maintain proper context of that which is the source of regretful pain. Regret is part of every life and it does not have to be debilitating. Just like the moments we all have of being “sorry” it can serve as a positive force that produces better future behaviors.

There was an extended period of time that my father and I did not speak to each other. We were able to recover back to speaking terms but our relationship was very strained even after our reconciliation. One day I went to see the movie Field of Dreams and as I sat in the dark theater watching regret being showcased on the screen, tears rolled down my cheeks. I could see my future regret in full color being played out by the actors. I left the movie vowing to change my relationship with my father. From that moment forward I let go of my resentment toward my dad and began rebuilding our relationship. I started our road back by sending him the lyrics from the song My Father’s House by Bruce Springsteen which chronicles a son’s regretful relationship with his father. He was extremely moved by the words and immediately responded with the promise that he too would be different in the future. From that moment of exchange forward our relationship grew into one of real love and deep friendship. When he suddenly passed away I was overcome with sadness but because of the positive evolution of our relationship I was regret-free. I have had to apologize many times in my life and fortunately for me in most cases I was forgiven. In the case of my father I had been given a gift of deep sorrow that produce behavioral change, but there are many times in my life that I was not granted such a warning. Like almost everyone I do have my share of events and behaviors that were not understood or forgiven and they are now regrets. They are mine to deal with as I live out my life. They can nag at me at times but I can find solace in my current behaviors that reveal that my sins were anomalies not the norm. I can reduce the power of regret by actively trying to be a better man and when I fail…by being truly sorry.