The "Me" Inside Of Me

Every year millions of babies come into the world and except for those born as part of a multiple birth, all are genetically unique. As they lie in the nursery side-by-side, each represents a pure and innocent canvas waiting to be colored in by life. All will be exposed to the forces of the world, positive and negative, most will outgrow childhood and become adults. Hopefully their journey will include many positive lessons in the areas of academics and spirituality, morals and ethics, self-belief and honesty, confidence and humility. Unfortunately, most will encounter, learn and be influenced by life’s darker forces of hatred and fear, conformity and insecurity, anger and violence. In most cases this contradictory form of development will create a public persona and a private-self, an image and a reality.

In my senior year of high school, along with thirty of my classmates I attended a two day silent retreat held at a facility sequestered away from the school grounds. The remote and silent conditions created an environment conducive to meditation and self-examination; an emotional awakening of the “raw me”. In this state I came to believe that I was the victim of a false character-perception held by the faculty and administration of the school. I noticed that I had been given a room very close to the mentors and away from most of my classmates. I was convinced that this decision was driven by the belief of those in charge that I needed to be closely monitored so as to insure that I would not break the rules of silence. Feeling singled out and victimized, I decided to confront those responsible for this erroneous view of me. In a conversation with my mentor, I became angry and voiced my displeasure with his and the school’s treatment of me. I was sure I had been wrongly judged as being a partier, average student, and underachiever. I complained that this assessment of me was inaccurate and the characterization unfair. In a calm and socratic way, my mentor began to question me about my anger and the origin of others’ perceptions of me. Through our dialogue, I came to understand that my image was almost entirely created by me and that the public “me” which I cloaked myself in was not really me at all.

In society there are so many forces that teach us negative lessons. Self-love is discouraged and conformity is expected. To believe and live overtly as if you are unique and special is looked upon as arrogant and self-absorbed. Celebrity and wealth forms an unreachable target for most and, while being revered, it creates a sense of inferiority. Young girls are taught what “pretty” looks like and that beauty is a necessary component of female happiness. The fashion industry dictates to women a socially acceptable dress code that covertly encourages the demonstration of sexuality while at the same time society insists that a women's virtue can only be preserved through abstinence. Women are indoctrinated with the notion that the goal of being married and having children is primary and the norm and those who would choose an alternative life course are to be questioned. Young men are indoctrinated with the false absolute of the connection between money and a successful life. They are supposed to be tough, smart and at all times masculine. Anything that differs from this male image is to be hidden and subverted in the quest to attain wealth and success as society narrowly defines it. In these claustrophobic circumstances the individuality in all of us is lost or at least pushed inside, away from the view and judgement of others. So we hide that person, the organic self beneath public self, and form the acceptable “me”. The more we get manipulated by the forces of our world the further we drift away from our own unique humanity. Our real-self becomes our conscience, watching and becoming dismayed by our behaviors that conform to societal expectations but are disingenuous to who we really are.

If I met me, would I like me? If I met me I do not think we would get along. My public self is far from who I really am when at my best. Many of my behaviors and actions have been nurtured by pressure to conform and thus be accepted. So often I am sarcastic and seemingly unable to take anything seriously. I tend to rely on a physical presence rather than an intellectual approach. My brash and extroverted exterior creates the image of bravado. I can be unnecessarily hard and aggressive. I seem to be rigid and unable to understand behaviors not in line with my sense of right and wrong. My first impression of me would be that I am extroverted, self-important, confrontational, lacking intellectual depth, physical, tactless, and judgmental. The real me is quite different but life has shown the “me inside of me” that a man who is sensitive, introspective, introverted and compassionate appears to be and will be judged as vulnerable and weak. I learned through life and experience that the authentic me was not good and so the need for a public persona was created to exist and survive in the world.

Life’s pressures push and pull us away from who we are and mold us into what we publicly become in an attempt to satiate our desperate need for acceptance. We should all strive to close the gap between public-self and private-self in an effort to remain unique and to collectively support the individuality of others; to create world in which conformity is left unheralded and authenticity is celebrated. So here is the question…if you met you, would you like you?