Power

Everyday it seems we are inundated with stories and visuals of our world that portend the destruction of the planet and the demise of the human race. Time after time, day after day we are forced to ingest behaviors of the morally bankrupt people who have power over all of our lives. Greed, deceit and lust for adulation and power command the hearts and souls of those who are supposed to provide the example for society at large and for us as individuals. Horrendous events and the perpetrators of corruption are so common place that we become desensitized to the ugliness of it all. Like everyone else I am witnessing the erosion of honesty and feel powerless to stem the ebb of decency. It is in this powerless time that I have retreated into myself to find what I can control. As an individual I can control my own behaviors and hope that I will collaterally influence those around me. I can embrace the idea that personal and genuine integrity can positively affect my single life and by doing so impact other lives. I do have the ability to find my own intrinsic sense of being honest and genuine. The only power I can create emanates from my ability and willingness to be privately honest with and about myself.

I have written about the celebration of uniqueness and the talents contained in each individual life. I believe that the path to success is paved with the hard work put into our own recognized skills and talents. Life is a journey toward success through achievement that is not prescribed by the world at large but defined by the individual. Each person is unique in talent and that should guide their life but each is also burdened with negative motivators. True and lasting success can only be achieved through internal honesty and the willingness to admit and accept insecurities and failings. There are those who would argue that this acceptance will only breed complacency and therefore foster recidivism. This argument does not take into account that the acceptance of shortcomings allows for a better focus on positive attributes. It also fails to recognize that the awareness of weaknesses creates an environment of vigilance and the possibility of avoiding future troubling situations and failures. My life experience has shown me that subconscious denial will inevitably sponsor the continuation of bad behaviors and the regret that surely follows.

Society strongly encourages conformity and therefore creates a very limited vision of success. As each of us tries to become the preordained person prescribed by our world we lose a portion of our organic self. Through the course of time we hide our flaws from others and from ourselves in order to support a public image that conforms to this arbitrary vision of success. We look to the left and then to the right to check and see if we blend in with others who are undoubtably doing the same. This is where our individual power to live with intrinsic integrity is lost. In short, a lack of honesty with ourselves inspires dishonesty with others.

If I am not making an effort to honestly access myself then my ability to live in integrity with the world becomes diminished. It is not the case that a public confession of personal weakness is the answer, but there must be a private understanding of ability and weakness. Some weaknesses and bad habits can be overcome with time and work; others are there for the duration of our lives. They must be recognized as legitimate areas of concern and then monitored and fought against on a daily basis. If I choose to simply deny the existence of character flaws or believe that I have conquered them so that they no longer need attention, I am living without internal integrity. My weakness and flaws cannot be overcome with denial or by pretending that I have eradicated them from my being. My ills must be recognized and respected for the power they have to lead me to failure and regret. Without a true sense of self, positive and negative, it becomes impossible to lead a genuine life.

From the time I was about twenty years old until I was about fifty, I existed in a life that was not ordinary but explainable. For those thirty years I struggled with the dream of who I wanted to be. Countless times upon waking up in the morning I would rise knowing that I did not live a completely honest life. I knew that there was a very good chance that at some point in the day, because of my weaknesses and the lifestyle they influenced, I was going to have to shade the truth or lie to maintain my public persona and my relationships with others. On the surface and through my perceivable behaviors, I was existing in the world as an honest man, but secretly I always knew differently. In private and often sad moments I would fantasize that one day I would wake up and put my feet on the floor and say to myself I have nothing to hide from anyone today; I can be truly honest about all and everything today. My fantasy, like most, was born out of a wish and therefore lived in the abstract recesses of my soul. The concept of the freedom that internal honesty would provide seemed so far away. I was never going to be perfect and therefore I was never going to be able to feel that calm as my feet hit the floor. But one day it occurred to me that my fantasy was being denied by the weight of perfection. I could achieve my dream if I was willing to let go of the need to be perfect, embrace my shortcomings and honestly deal with them. It was a revelation that has allowed me to take better control of my life. These days I smile when I get up in the morning. The abstract version of my dream is now a concrete reality; so far from perfect but so close to a calm and honest existence. I know I do not have to lie or pretend anymore. I am strong and weak, talented and flawed. I am the best and only expert on being me...the genuine me.