Words

In an effort to comfort a child being teased, parents have often cited the old English rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never break me”. As that same child grows older and begins to have the ability to physically retaliate against the taunts of others, the same parents will say, “The pen is mightier than the sword,” seemingly suggesting that words are more powerful than wielding a sword. So, which is it, words are powerless or deadly weapons? When someone gives you a compliment how long does it get your attention? Do you just say thank you, try not to blush, only partially agree, feel unworthy, and then forget about it? For most of us, the total life expectancy of the good feeling generated by well intentioned words is about 43 seconds? Conversely, when someone criticizes, questions, or accuses you how long does that last in your consciousness? Weeks, months, years, or the rest of your life? From where do certain words derive their power?

When I was in 8th grade I was one of the shortest boys in my class. I was playing basketball one night against another school when the players on the opposing bench began to taunt me by calling me a midget. I became incensed by their ridicule to the point of losing my temper, getting a technical foul, and ultimately causing my team to lose the game. When I got in the car for the drive home with my father he proceeded to scold me for my behavior on the court. He told me that I had embarrassed myself, my school, and my family and he went on to say that if I ever behaved that way in the future he would no longer allow me to participate in sports. I explained to him I got mad because the other team called me a midget. Without a second of hesitation he asked me if I was, in fact, a midget. I said, “Well, no”. To which he responded by asking me, “Then what is your problem?” I stared at him in silence. He then explained to me that if I could be that easily controlled by the words of an opposing team I would never be any good at sports. Once they discover how to get you upset and out of control they will do it to you every time. I instantly realized that I had fallen prey to their intention, I had let them control me. I vowed to never let it happen again.

Words are the fundamental means of communication between human beings. But what is the equation of communication? People use specific words and tone with the intention of communicating an idea or a feeling. The speaker is looking for a reaction or response from the receiver which will satisfy their intention. The equation is therefore simple: intention to get reaction. The speaker’s intention can therefore be to create any number of reactions, both positive and negative. The reaction and behavior is the responsibility of the intended listener. The words only have the power that the listener equates to them. The listener can either fulfill the intention of the speaker or not. In this direct cause and effect scenario, only the listener can give or take away the power of the words.

While the meanings of words have stayed fairly consistent in the dictionary, their use and intent changes with time. In my story the word “midget” was the catalyst for my anger. Forty years ago it was not a derogatory term. It was just the word used to describe adults who were afflicted with a genetic condition that left them unusually short. Today we use the term “little people” because as a society we have deemed the word “midget” demeaning. When I was a kid, when you said something was “bad” it really meant that it was good. Today when people say something is “sick” it means it is amazing. I think we can all agree that when someone identifies him/herself as being gay they are not talking about their particular level of happiness. Think about the evolution of the term “African American”. There was a time that a description of “colored” or “negro” was acceptable and widely used. That morphed into “black” which I am not even sure is acceptable anymore. These descriptive words were commonly used, then fell out of favor, and are now considered unacceptable. In society today the word “nigger” is universally held to be derogatory and offensive. It is probably the most powerful, negative word in the English language. I feel nervous just typing the six letters. It has gained such immense power that it causes protest, mayhem, and confrontation to the point of death. But there was a time when people like Martin Luther King and Jackie Robinson refused to give it power. They held their heads high and endured the word on a constant daily basis. They didn’t let it control them and they rendered their ignorant enemies and detractors impotent and silent. What made these two men special was that they took back the power of the word. It was their internal strength to hold back violent reaction, remain calm and not fulfill the intentions of those spewing this vile word and others similar to it that places them among history’s heroes. I wonder if as a society we have undermined all the personal sacrifices they made by giving the “N” word back its power.

I learned from my father’s advice and my subsequent experience to not allow competitors in sports to gain an advantage over me with words. I was able to control my reactions by embracing the mantra, “Don’t get mad, just get even and win”. This always worked for me in contact sports because the game itself provided the opportunity for retribution against, and the defeat of those trying to control me with abusive language. My existence outside of the arena of sports has not been so easily navigated. When I am driving in my car, often times I become upset by people making gestures and screaming obscenities at me. I lose my ability to focus on behaving civilized, become enraged, and sink into a disproportionately aggressive state. In the aftermath of each incident, when my sanity has returned, I always ask myself the same question, “Why did I let them control me?” I am never honestly able to justify my anger or behavior and I always feel manipulated and disappointed in myself. The truth is that in life, these moments are not a game and winning is not possible. As in so many other parts of my life, I strive to be the best person I can be. I try to control my reactions to negative words and the intentions they carry with them because in the end, my behaviors are mine. That is why I feel so good when I don’t react to the negativity others focus on me and so bad when I let the intention of that negativity control me.