Something To Lose

“The health of any society is directly correlated to the percentage of people within that society that have a legitimate belief in a personally positive future”

About thirty years ago I found myself lying in a hospital bed. I was in the process of recovering from being stabbed during a fight. I was lying there with tubes coming from everywhere in my body listening to the machine pumping the blood out of my chest cavity so that my collapsed lung could expand and function again. My injuries did not concern me as they would any other person in my state because I had been in exactly the same condition only two years previously. I was there as the result of just another bad decision, on another Friday night that had turned violently wrong. Then my father walked into the room. He did not say hello or ask how I was feeling. He just stood there for a long moment staring down at me in the bed. Then he said, “You know something Bill, you are going to be dead soon and we are all going to miss you because we love you; but none of us is going to be surprised because you live your life like you want to be dead and I just don’t understand why”. I remember feeling sorry for my dad and tears running down my face and filling up my ears. I understood what my father was saying but he was not entirely accurate. I did not want to die; I just didn’t care if I did. At that stage in my life I really could not see anything very positive in my life and I didn’t see the point in wanting or waiting on a better future that would never materialize. I can’t really explain how I came to have such a fatalistic outlook on life. I did not grow up in a tough neighborhood. I was not a child of poverty or abuse. I had many opportunities to work and I had money. I had gone to college and was surrounded by friends who were smart and successful. I just did not look at life the same as other people. I had arrived at a dark place and that was where I existed.

My outlook made me hard and rigid towards strangers. I seemed to be able to find confrontation anywhere. I started to fight at a fairly young age and it became my response to any perceived umbrage. Over time I was able to completely subvert the “flight” portion of the “flight or fight” decision. I trained myself mentally and physically for altercation. Right or wrong, I would not back down from anything or anyone. I embraced threatening situations that most people tried to avoid by allowing my “lizard brain” to take over and act. My “lizard brain” is my primal self. The part of me that is cold and calculating. It is my violent survival mode that now lives in storage inside my brain. With this world view combined with the immaturity of youth I got myself in many bad situations and more than my share of trouble. I lived not looking toward my future but stoically waiting for my end.

Surprisingly to many, including myself, my end never came and as I grew older and more mature my life and outlook began to shift in a more positive direction. The love of friends and family, lifestyle changes, therapy, coaching of children, and different forms of personal success gave me a much different view of life. I now have belief in my future and a life that I don’t want to lose. I move through each day content with my existence and most times I can foresee and avoid potential problems. But there are still times when a random and unforeseeable confrontational situation arises and in that split second, my “lizard brain” returns.

A week ago I was in a public laundromat completing my weekly laundry. I came in to get my clothes out of the dryer and fold them. In this laundromat, table space for folding is limited and the only usable space was being occupied by a man sitting on the table with his laundry basket next to him looking at his phone. I politely asked him if I could use the table and his response was rude and belligerent. He looked at me annoyed and reluctantly moved off the table while refusing to move his basket. He leaned against the table to squeezed me into a small space to fold my clothes. We began to exchange sarcastic remarks and then some heated words. A hush fell over the entire laundromat as tension filled the air. I began to fold my laundry almost in physical contact with this man. My “lizard brain” took over all control.

As the lizard inside me took hold of my consciousness, I felt my eyes squint as I began to take an inventory of surroundings. Table in front…dryers close behind…all the doors closed…just my cart next to me…two ladies to my left folding their clothes. The back of my neck became hot as the adrenaline began to flow into my system. This guy…shorter than me and a little out of shape…two earrings in right ear and dirty knit hat…heavily tattooed and unshaven…disheveled in appearance…bad breath…phone in hand…pretending to be unaware of my presence. My assessment…he is an obnoxious guy who challenged people knowing that most would just let him do as he pleased. I wanted to fight him so all I had to do was provoke him into doing anything physical toward me. Once he moved, in any way aggressive, I could justify my violence. As I folded my socks I began to think of what I could say or do to get him to act. Should I comment on his bad hygiene or appearance …should I lean against him a little…should I move his basket? My hands were now shaking as the adrenaline took full affect. As I folded a pair of pants a strangely familiar voice in my head softly spoke to me, “Bill, you don’t have to do this. You could just fold your clothes and leave. Our life is good do not ruin it over this guy”. The voice and message startled me for a moment and as I looked up I caught the eye of the woman next to me. She appeared to be scared and just shook her head. She seemed to understand my anger but her look echoed the voice in my head. I waited for the accusation of cowardice to come from my “lizard brain” but there was only silence. I struggled with the dilemma of fighting versus the cost to my happiness and life. My internal scale weighed the choices and rendered a decision. I was not going to fight, I had something to lose. I breathed deeply and finished folding my clothes, packed them up, gave a nod to the two ladies, and left. I never looked back and just walked to my car. Once at the car I braced myself for the internal chastisement from my “lizard brain” that would certainly come. Thoughts of being weak and afraid would surely be screaming in my head for the rest of the day if not longer but the lizard was silent. Instead it was the same calm voice inside my head praising my actions, “I am proud of you for not fighting. You chose Bill and his future and that was the smart and courageous choice”. It then occurred to me where I had heard that voice before. It was the same voice that in the past would try to comfort me when I was filled with regret and shame as I faced the consequences of my violent actions. It was the voice of my true self, not the lizard inside me.

When we watch the nightly news or check the headlines on our computers we are bombarded with horrific events. Children go to school and shoot their classmates. Young men and women join gangs and try to kill each other, some die, most spend the rest of their lives in prison. People are brainwashed with fanatical religious beliefs, strap bombs to themselves and kill innocent people to gain fictitious after-life rewards. Poor unfortunate souls of all ages end their lives by committing suicide. As a society we witness all these senseless acts shocked by the tragedy of it all. We shake our heads and try to understand why anyone would throw away their precious life in such a way; to crush their future with such meaningless acts of destruction. The answer is obvious and yet not understood by most. All these people who seemingly throw away their lives have something in common. Whether real or perceived, they do not see value in their future so they act as if they have nothing to lose. In their minds they are not squandering the future that most us believe in because in the world in which they exist they do not have a future other than that of struggle, pain, and death. If we want a better and healthier society we must figure out a way for every person to believe in and have a realistic chance for a positive future. A good life…something to live for…something to lose.