My Bathroom Mirror

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?

The mirrors on the walls of our lives return a reflection of bodily self but more often than not the image returned is distorted by the need to defend our actions, validate our existence, or in some cases wrongly punish ourselves. Unlike the mirror in which the Queen sought validation that she was the fairest, the mirrors we look into on a daily basis do not speak to us. They do not actually lie or deceive us. What they do is agree with the rationalizations and the lies we tell ourselves. They are not dishonest they are just complicit in our self-deception.

Mirrors provide a depiction of form but an honest vision of self is often times altered by the mind’s ability to bend and shape reality. Carnival mirrors widen and elongate our image creating disturbing visuals which causes us to gasp at our own likeness and laugh at those of our companions. Gyms are filled with mirrors with the design application of helping exercise form but more often than not they are just windows into the depth of insecurity and narcism. The world-renowned architect, Frank Lloyd Wright infused mirrors into his structures to create the illusion that his buildings held larger amounts of space than they actually did. Those afflicted with eating disorders curse the image that the mirror sends back with irrational confidence that they are always fat. Dressing room mirrors disappoint women who are shopping for bathing suits for the summer and drive them to the consolation provided by the well-positioned cosmetics counter at the entrance of the store. The disclaimer on the side mirror of the car, “Objects in the mirror may be closer than they appear” is informative but is somewhat counter-productive when deciding whether or not to change lanes on the freeway. It is said that, “The eyes are the mirror of the soul” and thus the accusation of hypocrisy is often followed by the directive that the supposed hypocrite should, “take a look in the mirror”. But my experience has taught me that true self-evaluation can only be achieved when facing the one mirror in your life that quietly demands honesty. For me that has always been my bathroom mirror.

I have looked at myself in the mirror thousands of times. Most of those times and most of the mirrors did not require me to be honest with myself. They sent back a vision that was either pleasing or asked for an adjustment of clothing. But there are certain mirrors throughout my life that have told me a truth that I did not want to see; the bathroom mirrors of my life. But why the bathroom mirror? Is it because that is the mirror in which I am stripped down to my bare physical essence and my soul feels free to join? Could it be that I am alone in the bathroom and therefore unable to seek out or be forced to deal with distraction? Perhaps it is as simple as the reality that it is in front of the bathroom mirror that I prepare for all the other mirrors in my daily life.

During daily forays in front of my bathroom mirror, in which I am often naked both physically and emotionally, I stare at my refection void of filters. Honesty is brought forth by my gaze locked upon my gaze. There have been certain times when rationalization for behaviors or the defense of the aggregate of actions taken would no longer suffice. I have stared at myself and myself was no longer satisfied with the internal being that was bouncing back and forth between us. Change was not only necessary but required for physical and emotional survival. During those well-lit, very dark moments I accepted the temporary defeat of my heart and soul with the want to begin again. There would be apologies made and oaths sworn and then the rigid resolve to change. The impetus for change has come to fruition in those rare moments in my bathroom when the mirror did not help me lie.

On numerous occasions in my youth, I was forced to look into the bathroom mirror to assess the damage done by the fight just fought. I have looked at my face in the mirror driven by the fear of discovery and disgusted by shame as I constructed the plausible lie to explain my whereabouts the night before to a suspecting girlfriend. I have used the mirror in the bathroom to build the face of strength while waiting for my fate as I battled the many months of overwhelming fear of possible incarceration. These are some of the hard moments illuminated by the mirror on the medicine cabinet but there have also been moments of clarity and positive change. It was in a bathroom mirror that while in the throws of my last hangover I made the vow to never drink again; that I came to terms with loves that were lost and finally accepted that they were gone while shedding my last tears; that I let go of the despair I felt when I finally came to terms with the fact that my mother was going to die of cancer and I that I was powerless to save her; that I emotionally turned around to embrace my family from which I had been estranged for far too long. Most of these events, which have occurred in front of my bathroom mirror are distant memories, but they exist in my personal history as life changing episodes. They also inform me on a daily basis of the power of the mirror over the vanity. 

I rise in the morning and stand in front of my bathroom mirror to see what I have to say to myself. My reflection shows my thin hair, the age on my face, and the scars which riddle my body. Fortunately, not as in the past, these days I get to happily smile far more than shake my head in disgust. Most of my current behaviors are tempered by experience and, in some regard, the inability to physically transgress. During the rest of my day, I pass by all the other mirrors with little or no regard for I know their reputations for filling hearts and heads with lies and deceptions. My bathroom mirror is the only one that commands my attention for it is the one that on rare and powerful occasions gives me the key to my soul and the unbridled honesty to use it.