The Mirage

Emotional risks are part of every life and therefore it is impossible to avoid disappointments and in more severe cases, heartbreak. There are moments in life when each of us has found ourselves enveloped in sadness because of the outcome of a relationship or unforeseen behaviors of a person. The place of loneliness that we find ourselves occupying post-relationship leaves us with feelings of confusion and disbelief. The shock that accompanies this unwanted state of being creates an internal sense of being cheated and weak minded. However, in most cases the cold reality of retrospection reveals that the destination of emotional turmoil was somewhat predictable. A fantasy fueled by internal insatiable want was the culprit not the actions or behaviors of another. Internally desperate people become victims, not of evil doers but of expectations that were founded upon fragile and unsubstantiated hope. Sure, there are those who deceive and put forth an image that is in no way commiserate with their intentions. This facade can temporarily blind those of us who desperately want to believe but in the clarity of hindsight it is easy to see that there were signs that something was amiss. Red flags did reveal themselves in subtle forms but they were dismissed by those who singularly focused on their fantasy of fulfillment. The disappointment that follows is always accompanied by the personally degrading and disgusted internal refrain of “I should have known”.

A man finds himself desperate and alone in an inhospitable environment. Abandoned by mistaken action or accident he is now in a serious situation. Lost, with little food, a small amount of water, and a long way from help he must find his way out of his predicament. In the middle of nothing more than sand and scrub using only the sun as his guide, he struggles to find his way back to civilization. In the first hours and even days he has a heightened state of vigilance. Basic physical needs are initially kept at bay by the adrenaline of daily apprehension and nightly fear, but soon unrelenting thirst begins to occupy space in his troubled mind. In the throes of dehydration and overwhelming thirst the dream of water becomes a fixation. His mind loses connection to reality and all fears disappear. Signs of trouble are no longer noticed. He begins to dream more of finding water than being saved from his calamity and in this state of delusion he believes that he can see an oasis in the distance. He now feels a surge of energy as he proceeds toward his only want…water. His pace quickens as the thought of drinking excites his tired body and soul. But as he moves toward the oasis he begins to notice that the fluttering fronds of the palm trees are not getting any closer. He shakes his head and keeps walking unaware of all around him. Finally, he realizes that he is not moving toward an actual source of water but only walking further into the desert. He collapses in the sand completely exhausted. He curses himself for falling prey to something so obvious. He lies on the ground defeated by his unquenchable thirst and his sense of stupidity. He is a victim of an all-consuming want. He, like so many of us, has been duped by a mirage. 

For some reason it seems that the longer someone loves and cares for us the less we value their opinion. It is as if time diminishes their evaluation of us because we begin to see their tenure in our lives as more of an obligation than a choice. We emotional discount or in some cases completely disregard those who have consistently supported us, and we then look to new people for validation. We emotionally believe that new friendship or romantic love is a better valuator than those who truly know us. More often than not this feeling is rooted in the need to be accepted and cherished by a new soul; someone who loves us in our current flawed state rather than those who have become linked to us by the simple math of longevity. And so, with all guards down and with reckless abandon we focus on our want and not the perils of the journey. We disregard the warning signs and the counsel of those who truly care about us to find that person to fill the hole inside us. But like the man trapped in the abyss we have lost contact with the reality of our surroundings and the priorities necessary for sustainable happiness. In the end, upon discovery that the new person is not our savior, we collapse in the same desolate place, broken and defeated.

We are human and we have needs both physical and emotional. But when we see those needs as all-encompassing wants that must be filled regardless of personal cost and peril, we become vulnerable to poor choices. The longing to be fulfilled by others drives us all to a place that is far from powerful and some cases perfectly weak. But what is there for us to do, we humans who long for what we think everyone but us already has in abundance? We must fight to turn the wants of self into an appreciation of self. Like the recovering anorexic who must turn away from the mirror which mentally falsifies their image and instead depend on objective measures for a more accurate guide forward, we must always question our negative emotional response to self and alternatively rely on our own intellectual understanding of our state of existence. Taking stock in the reality of the positive aspects of our lives, allowing a select few who have proven over time to be our loyal supporters to have constructive impact in our thought processes and decisions, and then providing personal constructive effort to improve our actual state of being is the answer to not falling prey to the mirage. In the end and quite simply, the two most important factors in any journey are the vigilant maintenance of personal safety and the aggressive avoidance of becoming unbearably thirsty.