Are You Gay?

Not long ago an inquiry into a person’s sexual identity was not a question but an accusation. Even today this loaded question can have the covert tenor of close mindedness. Society, informed by the Old Testament’s defining of homosexuality as a sin, considered being gay to be not only a morally reprehensible choice made by deviants but in many jurisdictions a crime. Throughout my life, there have been occasions when I have been asked the question, “Are you gay?” I have always just smiled and given the same answer.

My parents were born into the Great Depression and grew up while being thrust into World War II. Throughout their lives they were constantly confronted with real and conjured enemies to fear. They were indoctrinated into a racist world view in which segregation was necessary because black people were inferior; all Japanese Americans were potential spies; and Jewish people were corrupt and could not be trusted. They were threatened by the bogus narrative that Communists had infiltrated American society with the goal of destroying democracy. They were told that the Korean and Viet Nam Wars were necessary to stop Communism from leap-frogging across the Pacific Ocean to America. They witnessed domestic violence in the form of the assassination a President and other preeminent leaders. They lived through the Cuban Missile Crisis and were left behind by the cultural revolution of the 60’s. Theirs was a generation who saw the world as a dangerous place with many monsters lurking. Dreaming was something that hampered vigilance and those who lack mental and physical toughness were people headed toward pain and victimization. 

So my parents raised their children to be ready for confrontation. To be wary of that which appeared different, with the hope that my siblings and I would blend into that which was considered normal and therefore not attract attention from those who were looking to do us harm. Their experiences made them hard and left them with very little empathy for that which appeared weak or sensitive in times of difficulty. For my parents, who were informed by Catholicism and society at large, there was also the unspoken worry that one of their children might become homosexual. Since homosexuality was deemed an affliction, they believe that it was important for parents to see early signs of this emerging flaw in their children and combat it with strong mentoring and a challenge of toughness. Homosexuality was one of the few monsters they could personally fight against. This danger was especially real for my father and this is where my story begins.

I was the youngest of six children which meant for the first portion of my life I was in very close and singular contact with my mother. In that time, we developed a very close relationship which my father thought was possibly going to be a problem for me going forward. I was a very sensitive little boy who was prone to emotional outbursts and fits of tears, I loved playing with my GI Joe which my father considered a doll, and I was my mother’s favorite little man. The fact that I sucked my thumb longer than most children and wet my bed consistently until the seventh grade did not help quell his worry. To my father, these were early signs of weakness that his generation saw as a road to a softer kind of man…a gay man. With his fear as a guide my father actively ridiculed my more sensitive and softer behaviors. His admonishments did not save me from being homosexual, however his misguided efforts did collaterally produce a strongly determined little boy who became extremely aggressive in defense of self. Those early days of disproval by my father just awakened in me a great power to be my own person. It made me strongly defiant to anyone or thing that tried to make me conform to a certain model. My father never commented on the idea of me being homosexual while insisting on toughness and the quelling of sensitivity. But as I got older, I came to the conclusion that secretly he was concerned that if my perceived softness was not thwarted, I could turn into a homosexual. He thought it was his job to make sure that did not happen. As a young man I came to the conclusion that he was just another close-minded, homophobic man. I was wrong.

One day my sister Barbara informed all of us with a letter that she was a lesbian. I was not shocked by the news as I had thought for years that this was part who she was and I was just waiting for the day of announcement. And while it was irrelevant to me and did nothing to diminish my high opinion of Barbara I was concerned about how my father would react to the news as I thought him to be so anti-homosexual. When she told me the substance of her first interaction with our father after her announcement, I realized that I was badly mistaken. Her recounting explained that our father’s primary worry was how the world, the one with the monsters in it, was going to treat his child; one of the six he loved so dearly. He believed that it was his job to keep us safe and his efforts had always been motivated by the concern that if we were homosexual we would be mistreated and discriminated against by others. Within the construct of his life experience he was just trying to be the best father he could be. He was not homophobic, he was just intensely protective.

Barbara’s revelations illuminated for me my father’s true motivations but it did not teach me much about what it is like for women to discover that they are gay. I believe that the intricacies of lesbian discovery is something that only another woman could truly understand. However, a short time after my sister’s proclamation I would gain some in-depth insight into the male homosexual experience because of a career choice. Twenty-five years ago, I started a Personal Training business in Gold’s Gym in San Francisco. It was and continues to be an establishment that is predominantly frequented by gay men. I did not know at the inception of my new business but my foray into this gay environment became quite educational. This is where I learned what it is like to be a homosexual man. I have trained many gay men and subsequently become friends with a large number of them. For the most part they are an extremely intelligent and successful group of people who have taught me many things about life which includes the realities of male homosexuality. Being gay is not a disease that one acquires, it is not the result of bad or soft parenting. There are challenges to being gay that most heterosexual men will never and could never face. Most gay men have endured ridicule and physical abuse, some have been ostracized by family and friends, and all seem to have a long list of people in their lives who have prematurely died as a result of AIDS. It is not a choice to be gay and it is not easy at first. Every gay man I have ever asked the question, “How did you feel when you realized that you were physically attracted to the same sex?” have responded by recounting some form of terror. The discovery was a harsh reality that they initially denied and struggled mightily against. The bottom line is that it takes great courage to admit to oneself that you are homosexual and then to live openly proud of who you are.

In the course of my life I have been asked if was gay on many occasions. I suppose the fact that I engage in certain behaviors that can be considered androgynous or metro-sexual is partially the causation for the question. Then there are those who would come to the conclusion that my comfort in the company of gay men or the fact that some of my friends happen to be homosexual points to the fact that I am also gay. Others would see my choice of work environment signals my homosexuality. Some extremely uninformed people have even jumped to the conclusion that I am gay simply because I live in San Francisco. All who have inquired had their reasons for the question, and it does not bother me to be asked. When I answer the question there are two thoughts that inform my reaction. First, I am proud the autonomy of my life and that my actions in regard to others makes my true sexual orientation somewhat mysterious. Secondly, I always remember my father; not for how he did it but for why he did it and for the independence it sponsored in me. The former of these thoughts gives rise to my facial expression and the later is responsible for the definitive nature of my response.  So in the future, as in the past, if I am asked the question “Are you gay?” I will once again just smile and say, “No I am not gay but if I was I would be”.