Seeking Help

Recognizing need and then asking for help is not a sign of weakness or inadequacy; it is a courageous act that provides an opportunity for others to be part of your future success.

I have always been a “do it yourself” kind-of-person. When I enter a situation that requires a plan or I am faced with a problem to solve, I always begin from a place of self-reliance and then search for a solution that allows me to achieve resolution without assistance. From the earliest moments of my life, I was indoctrinated and then became entrenched in the idea that asking for help was a sign of weakness and evidence of one’s inability to get the job done. Supported by this emotionally suspect reasoning it became abhorrent to me to ask for help or even a small amount of assistance. I now understand that my reluctance to ask for help is the actual weakness. A malady that has been fueled by a fear of being judged as inadequate and incapable.

Not long ago, I was buying some plywood at my local Home Depot. I finished the purchase and was wheeling the 4x8 foot sheets through the parking lot to my truck. I have done this so many times that I have developed an easy way to load the wood on my truck. Upon arrival to my truck a Home Depot employee approached me and asked if I needed help loading the wood. I immediately said,“No” and he shrugged and walked away. I loaded the truck, put the cart back, and started to drive to my workshop. Once I was alone I began to analyze my reaction to being asked if I needed help. After some illogical defensiveness and a dose of thinly veiled rationalization I came to the honest conclusion. The answer that revealed itself was somewhat disconcerting. I had fallen back into the same trap that had stymied my progress for so many years. Through the infinite power of unconscious insecurity, I had translated the offer for help into an accusation of inability.

Over half a lifetime ago, I decided to stop drinking alcohol. I had lived with and forced others to endure my many transgressions while under the influence. Upon my decision to stop drinking alcohol, I received complete support from all those who loved and cared about me. As time passed I was often heralded for my ability to stay the course of sobriety. What my congratulators did not know was that abstaining from alcohol was easy for me. In fact, in the past thirty plus years I have not once been remotely tempted to drink. Alcohol was never my problem; my problems stemmed from emotional issues that intoxication occasionally encouraged. I decided to stop drinking in the hopes it would help me stop self-destructive behaviors but temperance did not address or illuminate solutions to conquering my negative behavior it only lessened its frequency. My impulse control issues, violent tendencies, underlying insecurities, and irrational responses to authority figures still existed and periodically resurfaced in my life. In the many years following my abstinence from drinking alcohol, I still struggled through life and although my difficulties continued I was convinced that I could conquer my demons alone. I hid behind the bravado of all-encompassing self-reliance until repeated failures forced me to come to grips with my fear of being perceived as weak. Finally, after twenty years of denial of need, I sought help in exposing the true origins of my recurring negative behaviors. I overcame my insecurity based fear of seeking help and reluctantly reached out to a therapist to explore my weaknesses and create tools to better navigate the negative portions of my life.

I look back on times of chaos and struggle not with a sense of guilt or regret but more of a wonderment of what might have been had I been able to summon the courage to seek help earlier. However, life is a day-to-day proposition and therefore it is not possible to retroactively change my past inability to admit need. I can only look forward to the next moment that tells me I need some assistance. One of the most important skills I acquired from my time in therapy was the ability to introspectively discover the essence of a problem and then turn toward it instead of running from it. I have learned over time that invariably the shadow of the monster that is pursuing me is far larger than the monster itself. It will always be hard for me to admit that I need help as I am sure it is for most people. I know that in order for me to be accepting in my moments of need I must first address the false personal accusation of inadequacy and then summon the courage to seek help. 

As I consciously move back toward a healthier response to need and accept that there will be times when I will require help, I can take comfort in my experientially based knowledge that the first step is always the hardest. I will be back at Home Depot one day soon. If I am approached by an employee with an offer to help I will take that first step. I am going to accept.