Lost Horizons

I was driving in the car the other day with my sister Nancy and we were discussing some events in our childhood. Nancy and I have become quite close over the past several years and ours is a relationship that is genuine and mutually confident. By that I mean we both seem to understand that all things said to and by each other come from a place of love and understanding. Our conversations do not flinch away from the reality of some of the pain and disappointment each of us has endured. Her dark moments emanate from all to many random moments of life’s cruelty while mine are almost entirely self-inflicted. So when we touched on some of my past problems and mistakes I did not feel maliciously criticized or judged. When Nancy articulate her memories of how much fear and fret my behaviors caused others when I was a young man; I knew that it was unquestionably true. My life during most of my twenties was one of dangerous excess and self induced unnecessary peril. It really took a toll on my parents and collaterally all those that loved and cared about me. In trying to understand my mindset at the time, I discovered that while there is a fairly large measure of guilt, there is also some very vexing internal confusion as to why I behaved like I did. As is my way, I began to internally search for the reasons for my erratic behaviors with the hope that the discovery of my motivations might enlighten me personally and concurrently show me a tangental connection to a larger truth. This is what my introspection revealed to me.

I was in Hawaii years ago and I decided to go with a group of people on a helicopter tour of a couple of islands. The day was crystal clear and I was feeling great as we crossed over a stretch of the Pacific Ocean toward what looked to be a tropical paradise. All was well and I was really enjoying myself when the pilot decided to show us some water falls and canyons on one of the islands. As we descended into the canyons I began to become disoriented. As we ascended out of the first canyon my disorientation bloomed into extreme nausea. When I looked out the window at the rock face passing by, I could not tell whether the land was going down or we were going up. The rest of the tour I sat quietly trying to concentrate on not vomiting on the pilot. When we finally landed I was so happy to be back on the ground where I could once again get my bearings. I felt poorly the rest of the day and concluded that helicopters were not for me.

Years later while on a cruise to Alaska I was confronted with the opportunity to take a helicopter out on to a glacier. My first reaction was to decline the adventure recalling the vivid memory of my Hawaiian experience. However my interest in seeing the glacier up close overrode my fear of sickness and I decided to go. As we flew toward our destination I felt fine; we landed and explored the terrain of the glacier; boarded the helicopter and returned to the airport without incident. I never felt the slightest twinge of illness. Then it dawned on me, I did not become nauseous in Hawaii because of the helicopter. The reason I became ill was because I could not see the horizon. Helicopters were not the cause of the problem it was the lack of Earthly orientation, the inability to see the horizon that was the source of my confusion and sickness. 

As I look back on my youthful trials and mistakes I can now see that while mired in the distorted context of my existence I was unable to grasp the magnitude of that which I risked for a misguided macho brand of loyalty and the maintenance of a street credible reputation. Disorientated by my downward spiral of behavior, I had lost sight of the directive and correctional powers of a stable personal horizon. Currently, as a society we find ourselves unable to find our collective horizon. Foundationally, leadership is that stabilizing horizon we look to for civility and constructive progress but we now live in a world void of leaders. In the past, even in moments of extreme disagreement, we could look to our leaders for moral and behavioral grounding. True statesmanship embodied a respect for institutions and traditions that gave us all an example of how to live and act. As those who hold the titles of leadership act in ways that seem to be without integrity or honesty, those nearby take example and act in a similar fashion. They begin to deviate from that which they know is right, taking solace in the belief that their behaviors are nowhere near as egregious as those they serve. Without a basic and common horizon for all to be forced to align themselves to, division and chaos becomes the norm. Warring tribes emerge and without some form of honest and decent common ground all that is left is the fight for supremacy and maintenance of personal power. In this vacuum formed by the absence leadership the regular men and women flounder. The horizon no longer in sight, they too become emboldened in their worst inclinations and most base behavior. As a people we must turn away from these flawed leaders and the confusion they use to degrade us. Individually and as a group we must reorientate ourselves to a collective horizon that defines the world as a place where honesty and decency are the norm. 

Perhaps it is naive or even arrogant of me to talk about a trusting relationship between two siblings or to tell a story about a couple of helicopter trips in the hopes of shedding light on solutions for some of the larger problems facing us all. Even as I do, it seems like a fairytale one would tell a child before bed. A little story meant to comfort that child as they fall asleep while at the same time teaching them a small life lesson. We all dismiss the message of parable with a smile and an internal eye roll but sometimes it is the simplest observations from the smallest of voices that enlightens us all. Remember, it was the little child that woke up and reorientated an entire crowd to an instantly obvious reality by saying, “The Emperor is not wearing any clothes”.