The Apology

Rooted deeply within the erroneous belief that negative behavior is a singular event is the inevitability of recidivism. The true value of an apology offered to the offended is the level of active intention it creates in the penitent. The intention of the guilty must be driven by the acceptance of weakness and lead to the promise of a different future.

Human beings are far from perfect; transgressions and poor choices are part of every life. Addiction and emotional issues can cause people to engage in self-destructive behaviors that unless personally admitted to and managed will infect all that they touch. The apology is the necessary antidote for the reality of human mistake and frailty. Upon calm review, the guilty party seeing the error of their ways seeks to be forgiven. I have done many things that have injured people. These were not blind mistakes but choices that I made with a full understanding that I was doing wrong. Most of the bad choices I have made were caused by underlying human weakness. Lack of impulse control has littered my life with regrettable events. My inability to face insecurities and a lack of self-confidence has led to other poor behaviors and bad outcomes. In most cases, my actions were never revealed to the offended and yet I still felt a deep sense of sadness. In the instances where I publicly acted out or my private sin was discovered I have sought forgiveness by apologizing to the person or persons victimized. In the moment of naked contrition to self and others, I have always been genuinely humble and truly seeking forgiveness. In my heart, I swore to never be guilty of that bad behavior again. It was an honest feeling but a flawed promise in that it lacked true forward intention.

Many believe that the admission of wrong doing and the forgiveness given to them by the victim is a moment of retroactive and perpetual exoneration. The now forgiven go forward in life as if they are once again pure and therefore do not need to guard against future similar actions. The apology that is offered is a shallow self-serving gesture to quickly move away from an uncomfortable event or it becomes the precursor to a rationalization or excuse. The true personal value and long lasting positive effect of asking for forgiveness is the recognition of weakness that caused the poor behavior and the creation of the honest intention to actively navigate the sources of that weakness.

In the case of human behavior, intention is an active force that must be recognized and used for change to occur. Often times, those responsible for negative outcomes will claim innocence based on a lack of knowledge or wishful intent. The fallacy of this defense is that all negative activity in life is caused by wanton ignorance or intention. To simply move through life with the idea that your behaviors and actions do not require monitoring and controlling is naive. All people have weakness and are predisposed to unsavory emotions and actions. In the times of negative actions and the subsequent apology or private moment of regret it fosters, introspection should create recognition of habit. The seeking of forgiveness with apology must give life to the understanding of personal weakness and the active intention to recognize and thwart negative behavior in the future.

As I sit here and write these thoughts I realize that I am sounding as if I am now above committing self-inflicted wounds of transgression. In fact the opposite is true. I am always vulnerable to my weaknesses. In the past I have acted badly when angry. When I was young I would just feel sorry for the violence I had caused in my life. I would promise myself I would have self-control in the future but it never worked. I have now come to accept the fact that I have a bad temper that is mine to endure and control. My relationships with women have at times failed under the weight of my infidelity and the personal guilt it inspired. In attempt to cleanse myself I would move on to a new relationship, promising to myself to stay true but inevitably I would once again fail. My lack of self-worth caused me to seek the attention and approval of women. I now know that personal moments of insecurity make me susceptible to destructive behaviors. In the past the roadblock to solving my problems and the developing of active intention was the denial of my inherent weaknesses. I was truly sorry for my actions but I just wished for my future life to be different. I failed to come to terms with my propensity for certain behaviors. My apologies were made hollow because they lacked true future intention.

When I look in the mirror each morning I see man who will struggle at times. I see an alter-ego that if left unchecked will cause self-destruction and create victims. On the surface this description would seem to be the image of a man who is troubled and prone to failure but in fact the opposite is true. Being able to accept my weaknesses and face them is now the basis of my strength. I move through my day with the intention of behaving in a way in which I am proud. I know where I am flawed and I watch vigilantly for the moments that cause me to behave badly. Armed with an honest assessment of myself I am able to avoid most things that create trouble and regret. I still make mistakes and I still ask for forgiveness from those that I have harmed but it occurs far less often. Now my apologies have a much greater meaning...they now have the power to create a better future through active intention.