The Art Of Negotiation

During one of the phases of my life I decided that I would pursue a career by merging academics with my blue collar work experience. I went back to school post college and entered a Construction Project Management Program. One of the classes I took while in the program focused specifically on the art of negotiating. The class took a very practical approach to the nuances of creating a winning strategy to secure a position of power and ultimately a better deal. I learned many things in the class but right from the beginning I mused about an alternative approach. I thought to myself, “What if both parties began a negotiation by airing out their differences and fears? What if instead of trying to hide worries and exploit weaknesses, each party told the other their real needs and apprehensions”. This approach would alleviate the fears of both parties while at the same time producing an outcome that would be mutually beneficial. Instead of a winner and a loser, the negotiation would produce equality and prosperity for both sides. 

I do not think of myself as a racist. I see other people as equal in the fundamental nature of humanity. I do not hate a particular group based on race or culture. But If you asked me if there is a group of people that causes me to pause, I would without hesitation say Latin men. My feelings toward men of Latin descent is not one which causes me anger or wishes them harm, it is one born of hundreds of bad experiences. I was a soccer player for twenty-five years and, in that time, I had a bad relationship with Latin men. It started when I was just a child and developed into many violent struggles as a man. It became so ingrained in my psyche over the many years that I began to see all Latin men as the enemy and a potential conflict. Latin men have caused me to feel fear and as I grew older I attacked my fear with aggression. Those hundreds of experiences of racial discourse and in some cases full blown violence all come flooding back when I come in contact with Latin men. That is just a reality of my consciousness and experience and if I am to get past it I must not privately excuse myself but instead openly admit it and actively negotiate a better experience.

I have been going to the same gym now for the past twenty years. I mostly keep to myself and focus on my own business while there. I speak to small number of people but remain stoic and silent most of the time. One day I crossed paths with a Latin man while moving from one exercise to another. We nodded and moved on but we had made a visual connection that bloomed into a casual greeting the next time we saw each other. Over the course of the next two years we engage in irregular moments of small talk. Some of the banter exposed the stereotypes and racially based views that each of us had about the other. We both said things that could be considered racist and harmful but they all lacked intent. We both participated and we both knew we were joking about our own ignorance and apprehension. What I now realize is that we were negotiating. We were actually getting rid of that which would keep us apart. The things we said were rendered meaningless and ridiculous when spoken out loud. In fact the worse the barbs got, the more we both laughed. What we subconsciously did was to put our racially motivated fears and misgivings out in full view. We rendered them powerless by admitting to our own erroneous and racially driven preconceived beliefs about each other. Now when we cross paths, we smile and joke. I no longer see him as a Latin man to be weary of but instead I see a guy named Esau, my buddy from the gym.

We have all seen the movies or heard stories about two people who harbor deep hatred toward each other because of racial or cultural differences that are thrust into a situation that requires them to cooperate with each other in order to survive. The scenario involves a black man and a white man, a prisoner and a guard, a feminist and a chauvinist, an Irish Catholic and an Irish Protestant or a Jew and a Palestinian. In each instance their hatred has been passed down generationally and their bad experiences become self-perpetuating. Ignorance and fear become the basis of the feud and the energy of the war. But as the story unfolds and they are each required to rely on the other the differences fade away and they are forced by circumstance to recognize that they are very much alike. Sequestered away from the negative forces of their respective tribes and the fallacies of indoctrination, they both realize that it was an irrational fear of the unknown that inspired their mutual hatred.

It is my contention that we all have preconceived notions about those who are culturally or racially different. We have limited and often times negative exposure to other races or cultures and we become apprehensive. We enter each life situation with those who are different than us, afraid and unprepared to expect or seek a positive result. If we could just come to terms with our own lack of understanding of those who are different and place our emotionally based thoughts and conclusions about each other out in the light; if we could give a mutually humble voice to the admission that we are all racist on some level; then we could begin to break down the barriers between us. Racial and cultural acceptance can be negotiated once we all admit to our own weaknesses and fears regarding each other and then embrace solutions that benefit us all.