Just Say "No"
One night, when I was about sixteen years old, two good friends of mine stopped by my house to see if I wanted go out. One of them had procured the use of his father’s car and they were on their way to cruise the Great Highway. The Great Highway is a stretch of road that runs along Ocean Beach in San Francisco; it was a favorite hangout for surfers, guys who raced cars and the girls enamored with both. My two friends were both surfers and part of the beach scene whilst I was a soccer player and a complete outsider. I was not feeling well and less than excited about sitting in a car all night driving up and down the same road, so I declined their invitation. They gave me a hard time about my reluctance and applied a little peer pressure but finally realized I was not going to change my answer and said their goodbyes. They went on their way and shortly after I went to bed. When I saw them the next day they told me that they had been in a single car accident. While racing another car, going in excess of one hundred miles per hour they had crashed and the car had been destroyed. Miraculously neither of them had been hurt. They went on to tell me that when the car finally came to rest in a sand dune, the front seat was jammed against the back seat. The backseat was where I would have been sitting. No had saved my legs and quite possibly my life.
From an early age, children learn that saying yes pleases and saying no disappoints. In this construct, children are conditioned to say yes to please the asker, usually an adult. As adults we carry forward much of the emotional conditioning we received as children. Deeply rooted in our sub-conscience is a need to please, we want to say yes. Conversely, when we make a request or ask a question seeking an affirmative response, we equate no to negative feelings or even dislike. Even within the realm of our own psyche we want to say yes to our wants and addictions. Many times in the scenario of the struggling alcoholic he or she asks the fatally flawed question, “Is it ok for me to have one drink?” and more often than not the tragic answer is yes.
If you are attracted to someone and ask them out on a date, an answer of no seems to equal rejection. It hurts because it makes you feel unattractive or less than worthy. But no is a far better answer than the disingenuous yes or uncommitted maybe. A nebulous answer encourages false hope by keeping the improbable dream or request alive. The phony yes keeps you interested in a possible future that will never come to fruition while not allowing you to seek other possibilities. Often times people equate a no response to an invitation as a slight or sign of lack of friendship, when in fact, it is just an expression of a singular preference rather than an invalidation of the entire friendship.
No is not actually hurtful, it just eliminates wants and expectations; it sets you free. It can be the more positive and honest answer because it creates the opportunity to pursue alternative ideas and plans. When I ask a question or make a request of someone I always say, “No is fine and yes is better” because I am seeking a definitive answer. The honest response, regardless of its nature, does not diminish or elevate me, but instead creates clarity of position. I know exactly where I stand in any given situation and I have the freedom, created by the definitive answer, to act accordingly.
When I think back over my life, yes has got me into far more trouble than no. How many times in life were you embarrassed or coerced into answering yes when you really wanted to say no. How many times has the answer of yes created future regret? Yes is the answer we all want give and receive but many times no is the best response. So next time someone makes a request or asks a question, consider no as a possible positive answer…it could save your legs and maybe your life.